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     Science Epic gets philosophical, insanely emotional, and then just insane …

The Walking Disaster.

I apologize for letting this medium of self expression die off for a while; I've been living on a different plane of existence lately, a plane suffused with copious amounts of confusion and despair. I had contemplated suicide for a while (as I always do) but then I realized that there is still a lot more worth breathing for, living for, fighting for. 

Here I am once again back from the brink with the task of rebuilding my vision for tomorrow. It’s a start. From where I had stood merely weeks ago it seemed as if there was going to be no tomorrow.

While I was adrift for the past few weeks I got a chance to re-examine myself and my priorities. It was not an easy thing to do. For starters, I woke up for the first time in my life and realized that I was tired of “thinking”. Of all the humans that inhabit planet Earth I was the one tired of thinking. As a person that had come to embrace the cold hard truth of our lonely existence in the Cosmos during my late teens and early adulthood I was the one who was tired of thinking? It was a thought that I found hard to reconcile and to quote Neil Degrasse Tyson one that made me “stop dreaming” about tomorrow.

      It was not a fun time.

For the first time ever this picture looked dull.

Out of all the emotions that I had experienced during the past few weeks none were more unrelenting on my psyche than fear and sadness. I feared that I would never break free of the abysmal pit that I had dug for myself and I was sad that I had no other alternatives to choose (other than a permanent one but then again this is pretty much a temporary problem). I had always thought that I was above being held back by emotions. My life hasn't really been smooth sailing for the past few years and despite the composure  I try to portray in my Science Epic videos, I'm pretty much a wreck behind the scenes (Just ask my room-mate. You would think that I would have my own self disappointment wrapped up after being dragged down by the weight of my own failures for more than half a decade but that isn't the case. I'm just pretty much a perpetual mope these days and I think I think I have finally passed the point of no return.

            As a result of passing this psychological event horizon I have since abandoned many of my long term hopes and dreams except the ones I had picked up relatively recently. A year ago I was fighting hard to achieve something that I no longer believe in today (that wouldn't be a first though. I've given up some popularly held beliefs before and it actually made me feel better). But what occurred to me as I fought my way through the haze of smoke and fire in my mind was that I finally realized that I was the victim. All along I had thought that I was the problem that needed fixing through strict regimentation and mental reprogramming. All along I had thought that I was the broken one. Now I realize that I was broken but only broken by the ones that had prevented me from being all that I could be. This self denial and guilt was just my way of reacting to being chewed up and spit out. It was just my luck that I landed in the wrong moment of time to be myself. While everyone else was busy being hammered into the shape that their society, religion, culture, and families demanded of them, I was desperately trying to play the game on my own terms, and I ended up paying for it.

It’s OK  Things like this happen; we can’t all be born on a one straight path to get everything we want. In all honesty that sounds  boring. Some of us are destined to be born from and for adversity.

That’s where I fall in, the walking disaster crowd.

The few That Remain.

I used to embrace the vision that my life was always destined for greater things, on a level where “delusions of grandeur” wouldn't even begin to describe it. I was a straight up closeted megalomaniac, always with an agenda at hand. I had God on my side and I was going to win. Things have changed since then. Reality has since sent me reeling and out of breath. I no longer have any Gods in my life and I learned the hard way that good intentions don’t always carry the day.

 Getting my aspirations shot down one by one is a perfectly natural thing to occur in a Universe that isn't the slightest bit anthropocentric. The Universe doesn't give a fuck and that’s just the way it is. A connotation like this may sound negative but I think it may be in turn an invitation to make a move for greener pastures. Once you realize that you are free of being judged by anyone other than yourself you find that getting through the day is just a matter of breathing and taking it in stride.

We make our own meaning.

I'm the one that decides what matters and what doesn't  not Big Brother in the sky or in the government, not my education, not my friends and not even my parents. I decide what I am, what conditions and goals I aspire to and ultimately what I want to do with my life.

So what is left of me after yet another semester break down?  What few pieces remain that still define me for who I am? Here is where I stand now. This is what I want.

I want to learn to write and start being good at it. I want to better the skill of expressing my ideas to other human beings, to feel the moment in myself and in those around me. I want to be more accommodating of other people and learn to appreciate them for who they are. I want to avoid turning myself inwards like my father.

I want to care less about the pointless things I learn in engineering and care more about the mission of propagating scientific literacy. I want to make a difference now, not wait another 2 years until I'm out of this intellectual shit hole before getting a chance to do some actual good. I want to take a stand for something that’s real and that I can call my own, not some cookie cutter dream handed down to me by a society that doesn't really care (that includes you to Mom and Dad).

I want to live both the Arts and the Sciences while I'm still alive, play music and possibly share whatever talent I have with others, do more pot and appreciate the little things. I want to learn to love and feel; the essence of which has been lost on me for the past few years.

This is who I am now. Whether I persist on being this for the years to come will lead me down different paths entirely. But for now my identity is clear. I have a place to root my feet in the ground and not give way to any trouble that may happen to come down.

This is where I make my stand.


It’s been over a year now. A new cycle of Earth around the Sun since begun, but there remains much left to do.

Sincerely,

SonOfTerra92